It's been a while! Hmmm what to say? What to say? Things are pretty good! Stressful as always, but that's nothing new. Drama with the Halloween dance, but that's nothing new! I think it's all figured out. I'm looking forward to General Conference! I've always gotten the challenge to go in with one specific thing in mind, and I've usually gone in to Conference with a million things bounching in my brain. This time I think I'm going to narrow it down to one specific thing to really listen for. Anywho....that's about it!

So things are crazy crazy busy! Studying for AP art history, doing things for English and DTV, working on productions and trying to keep everything else in place. It's hard. I'm still feeling like I'm being replaced in basically every aspect of my life. In productions I'm not the dancer any more, in school I'm not the smartest, in DTV I'm not the go-to person, in ballet I'm not any better or any worse than anybody else, and I'm not in Nutcracker. My sister has the part I could have if I were. It's hard watching other people live what I thought was my life. Oh well. I'll get over it. Right?

So I found a cute list of things that someone needs to be prepared for if they're going to be with me :)

-A million questions
-Uncontrollable laughter
-My family
-My appetite
-Musical outbursts
-My friends
-Sad/Happy tears
-Random dancing
-Deep talks
-My imagination
-My dreams
-Walks in the rain
-Random texts
-Useless arguments
-Acceptance of the real me

So I got a 31 on the ACT. Again. Again. Again. I needed a 33. And I didn't get it. I'm not taking it again. I'll just have to hope that it's good enough to get me an ok scholarship. I'm disappointed yes, but because I expected more from myself. Not because anybody expected anything else from me.

This weekend was AMAZING. We performed at the Performing Arts concert. After singing Homeward Bound for the first time on-stage, we walked off as a class. For the first time. No competition, nothing else mattered. We were together and that was good enough. I was so relieved. I never thought we were going to get there. Then we had a crazy fun part at Becca's after, with lots more singing and dancing and launching people off bean bag chairs. It was a perfect night. And then Saturday was full of funny blocking and being too loud at Wingers and more performing. Then a party where it wasn't as fun. I realized why I love my friends and those other people were a small chapter in my life. They don't deserve another chapter. There are some of them that will cross over to the rest of my story. And a lot more that won't. So we ended up going to Cemetary Park and talking and talking and laughing and couple creeping. And being scared about the future. But it was great.

Then Sunday I got a calling and got set apart. And I'm terrified but so excited at the same time. I realized that there are some things I really have to work on but that it's ok, that I am ready and that everything is going to be fine.

Long story short...
I'm not perfect. I'm never going to be. I might not turn out how you want. But you raised me well. I have a testiomony. I'm not supid all the time. I get good grades. I have talents and use them. I'm myself and proud of it. Isn't that what you wanted in the first place?

So Randy and I went on a walk. On Lagoon Trail. And I maybe kinda, sorta, told this old man we were getting married. He asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Randy said yes, and I said, "Yes, actually we're getting married in a few weeks." The cute old man was so excited for us. He told us stories about his marriage and how when marriage gets tough, you just get down and pray. Randy and I were almost laughing the whole time, but it was actually great advice.

Then today we went to the temple and it was PACKED. But it was a really great time. I think all of the drama dust is settling and things are ok. It just goes to show you that you can have the worst day of your life one day, and the next day can be the best day of your life.

Also....I am addicted to pintrest. So I am posting some of my very favorite quotes from it :)

When a girl falls asleep texting you, it doesn't mean she's bored. It means she didn't want to stop the conversation.

If he doesn't chase you when you walk away, keep walking.

Wait for the boy who would do anything to be your everything.

Real men never stop showing a girl how much she means to him, even after he's got her.

I'm the kind of girl that when I cry, I cry. When I fall for someone, I fall too hard. People tell me I'm too intense when it comes to my emotions. I'll do anything to be around you. I don't always look perfect and sometimes I'm insecure. And I may have my flaws, but I'll love you better than anyone else ever could.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth.

So I'm super sick of everyone being dramatic. Randy and I are together. Deal with it. I'm blissfully happy. Deal with it. Not everyone is going to be perfect and I get that, but I sure didn't expect you to be the person to walk out of the room, and virtually out of my life. Because I thought you would be there. And you weren't. I thought we could get through anything when we were TOGETHER. Yes it's hard! Get over it! It's so not worth losing everything to be right! Remember about apologizing? That doesn't make you weak. It makes you so much stronger than the person that doesn't apologize. It means you realize that your relationship is the most more important thing than your ego.

Ayn Rand has this thing about how the only thing that's important is making sure you're happy, and that you're taken care of. That EGO is the most important thing. (Sometimes I pay attention in English :)) But I have news for you. Being happy is important. But sometimes, to be happy, you have to fake it until it happens. So you suck it up that people are cuddling around you. You get over the fact that it hurts. Trust me, I've been there. She didn't even know that it killed me. He did. But you know what?? I valued what our friendship was more than what I was feeling. And so should you.

Things I want at some point in my life.

I want to go skydiving.
I want to be madly in love.
I want a house that I get to run my way.
I want to tuck little kids into bed every night.
I want to travel all over.
If I have a job, I want to love going into work.
I want to keep my friends and make new ones.
I want to be excited about every adventure that comes my way.
I want to forgive easily and rarely offend.
I want to love the gospel more and more every day.
I want to be happy, even on bad days.

There's a lot of things I want. And I'm going to get them all :)

Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue

If you've ever been alone you'll know dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know (you'll know)

I am obsessed with this song. Literally. And I don't even know why....it's just great. Things have been...weird lately. I just feel kind of like some things are perfect, and other things are ok, and some things aren't going the way I want at all. It's just like I'm watching other people live the life I used to be living, if that makes sense. Like I'm being replaced in almost every aspect of my life. It's kind of weird to see; like I'm watching what I think should be happening to me, happen to other people. Like I'm just floating on the outskirts of my life. I guess I'll get back into it at some point...hopefully.

Drama. It's the best. Thankfully I'm not super involved, but I am involved because it involves my best friends. Let's all just assume for the moment that we love each other. Because we do. And let's assume that the opinions of our friends are important, because they are. So let's sit down, duke it out, and be ok. Because yes it sucks, and trust me I know exactly how it feels. It kills to see them with someone else, even when you don't think you still care. Because deep down you always will. That doesn't mean that either of you are right, or that either of you are wrong. You're feeling. You're caring. That's normal. So accept that, really feel how much it sucks for both of you, and then maybe you can think about what it's like for the other person. Anyway...I love you both. And I don't want this to ruin anything. So let's be ok:)

On a much much lighter note. My love life is fabulous right now :) Except for people who creep on us and make it awkward. That's all. :)

Weekends are great :) Sometimes, people visit me at work. And cup my car. And we go to a pond. And I fall asleep on the couch. And I have the greatest friends ever. Because sometimes, we go to church. And hear stories about Lord of the Rings. And secret notes are written. On paper and backs. And then we have dessert. And chips. And gossip. Weekends are fabulous :)

And sometimes there's still drama. But do you know something? This year, I don't care. Not one tiny bit. I want everyone to be happy. But sometimes that won't happen. And that's ok. We can get through anything, together :)

So yesterday was my day of birth. I am eighteen. It's probably fine. So yesterday my lovely mom made me biscuits and we had sparkling cider (it was our Mormon champage) to celebrate. And then I opened my presents and got two movies that I love, itunes gift cards, some money, some gum, and some clothes and jewelry. Pretty great stuff. Then school was fabulous, and I got to spend some time with some amazing friends who are the best :) Driving to Orange Leaf and around Kaysville, got a CD of some great songs and someone spent too much money on me ;)
I read Ash's blog and started crying because she's so good to me, all my friends are.

Then something happened to make me really question some decisions I've made. Of course, Randy was right there making it all better. But the fact that what this other person was saying was true really hit me. But something else hit me too. He has no right to tell me anything about my life or my decisions. He's supposed to be completely focused on where his life is going in less than a week, and he's caught up in high school, causing drama where it doesn't need to be. So here's my words to you. I feel bad for you. I'm sorry I didn't feel that way about you, but it's obvious why. You create contention and drama that frankly, I don't need in my life. It's just bringing you down. You can't stand the fact that I am blissfully happy, and the fact that he might be too. But you know what? That's your problem. Stop dragging me into it.

Today is a sad day....I'm 18. It's a good day...birthday's are great! But my childhood is gone....sad huh? It's not really that different to be honest, but just the idea of being an adult is scary. I can barely function, let alone be an adult and actually take care of myself. But I have great friends and family who will help me get through anything. Even though I'm supposedly at an age where I can take care of myself, it's good to know other people always will help take care of me :)

But I only see you, in all that I do
To the rest I am blind
I don't want something new, other than you,
For the rest of my life

Benton Paul is brilliant. So last night was probably the best night of my life. I had a great time seeing some friends and eating chocolate and sitting by the fire. And then...some music on the drive home. Everything was absolutely perfect. And I don't throw that word around a lot. Some things are falling apart, but everything is still perfect. And I love it.

So last night we watched Tangled in the gulley of my old neighborhood. I miss my neighborhood so much sometimes. I'm not quite home here yet, and I'm not sure I ever will be. I had a great night with a great guy :) But...one of my best friends didn't. She put on her smile like she always does, but I could tell it was killing her. I wasn't as supportive as I should've been last night, I'm sorry hon. I just had no idea what to say. I had no idea how to drill it into his stupid head that he's just hurting you and himself.

So here's a few words I want to say to you. Not letting her be herself? That's stupid. Being mad is fine. Not understanding is fine. Wanting some time to cool off, that's fine too. But ruining her life and the lives of others? That is so junior high. Grow up.

Sometimes is a word that I've been thinking about a lot lately. There are so many "sometimes" in my life right now.

Sometimes things don't work out the way you thought. Sometimes they work out for the better, sometimes they don't. Sometimes you know something is going to happen, but you fight it because it's not what you think you want. Sometimes people will hurt you and they don't even know it. Sometimes the one thing you need to hear isn't the thing they'll say. Sometimes you fake a smile because sometimes, that's all you can do. But on the other hand, sometimes that fake smile turns into a real one. And sometimes things work out in the least expected way. Sometimes you figure out you don't need that person in your life, and sometimes, you're stronger than you planned on being. Sometimes, "sometimes" can be a really good thing.

On another note, Hailee is leaving soon. I would regret not posting about how amazing she is and how glad I am that I got to know her for even a short time. She's the kind of person I would like to be; open, friendly, sincere, hilarious, and incredibly sweet. So here's to you Hailee...don't marry a cowboy! :)

On yet another note...I heard a quote that I really really love today.
"Apologizing isn't saying that you were wrong and they were right, it's knowing that your relationship is more important than your ego."
I've apologized more than enough. Ball's in your court now buddy. It's only holding you back.

So I'm going to be 18 in one week.
Terrifying?
Yes, yes it is.

I realized I have learned a lot in my 18 years that I didn't plan on learning, and haven't learned enough to be ready to be an adult.
I've learned how to fake a smile.
How to get over a broken heart.
How to figure out who real friends are.
How to listen, sometimes.
How to be a better person.
How to laugh through pain.
How to cry with someone in pain.
The list goes on and on. But I've made a list of things I want to do before my childhood comes to an end.

1. Play at the park
2. Color some pictures.
3. Run away from home for a minute.
4. Bubble bath.
5. Go on a bike ride.
6. Take a nap.
7. Get tucked in.
8. Roller blade.
9. Blow bubbles/draw with chalk.
10. Watch a Disney movie.
11. Get a kid's meal.
12. Puddle jumping.
13. Play-doh.
14. Make a total mess of something

I am terrified of having to be an adult and fend for myself. But something I do know, is that I have had great parents who have gotten me this far, great friends who will help me continue to get farther, great family who always backs me up, someone that I care about who will be there for me :) mistakes that I learned from and many more to make, and a whole world of experiences ready for me, the gospel which will get me farther than anything else in the world, and the testimony that I have that will change my life forever. Childhood, we've got one week left. Let's make it count.

Today is Dallin's birthday:) Happy birthday!!!
On another note....it's great to find someone who makes you smile when you feel like crying. It's great to have someone in your life who knows you better than anybody else, and still sticks around. Someone who has seen you cry, and laugh, and be mad as heck. Someone who has seen you on your bad hair days and best dressed days. Someone who knows almost all of your flaws. Someone who loves you for your flaws.

Sometimes life is disappointing. Things don't seem to be going the way you want them to, and there is nothing you can do about it. But the best feeling in the world is to know that someone cares if you don't feel good, and is happy because you're happy.