What My Heart Can't Hold

1:39 PM

I feel inadequate to write today, because I don't really know if I have anything to say. Normally I would write a piece of advice or a list of helpful topics, but I don't think I'm qualified to do that right now. I feel like a whiner which I don't want to be, but I need to let the thoughts of my head out. Oh if only that all made sense! Sometimes things just aren't what you wanted or thought and you have to figure out how to be OK with that anyway. Sometimes you want to help and lift but you have to figure out how to get yourself off the ground too. And sometimes you want to be a better person but you can't figure out how to even be a regular person, let alone a better one.

And sometimes words come pouring out of your fingertips that you didn't expect, and you realize all over again the therapy that is writing.

The sound of the keyboard can be so soothing.

Lately life has thrown me all the curve balls.

I keep telling myself I'm getting an opportunity to be stronger, more sympathetic and empathetic, learning how to be vulnerable.

But I only believe that 44% of the time.

The rest of the time I can't figure out why everything is throwing me for a loop, why things that a year ago would have been "whatever" are now large hurdles for me.

It's not an easy thing to explain to myself, let alone to other people. It's not even an easy thing for me to comprehend really.

So this is all that I know.

My heart couldn't hold these words anymore so here they are spilling incoherently onto the keyboard. It's helpful to feel it pouring out, but at the same time I know it doesn't solve everything, or even anything.

But maybe things don't need to be solved. Sometimes things are just things and life is just life and you wake up tomorrow and hope it's a good day. And then you do it all over again.

If you've managed to stumble through this post, thank you. If you haven't, that's ok too. I don't even know if it was meant for people to read since it's a jumbled up mess, but hopefully I've emptied the load in my fingers and in my heart and something more sensible can take the space.


^That article is fantastic. Though I don't relate to it on many levels, it gave me all the feels. I was just able to read it for the first time without sobbing, there's a thing.

So maybe everything is getting better.

sigh of relief

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